I work with a Y9 with HFA - he keeps missing required meetings (despite being on his timetable for the day and in a weekly planner). He says he 'just forgets'. School insists that he must attend, and if he doesn't he must apologise. I've trawled the net; but can't find anything helpful.
Does saying 'sorry' have any relevance for him? ( he does use please and thank you effectively)
Is there a way to teach him about apologies that could be a reference for him in later life?
I don't feel he understands the concept, and certainly struggles to identify/understand others' feelings.
Help, please!

We have never made our daughter say sorry. If it is not meant then it is worthless. I know as a kid I was forced to say sorry a lot and all it did was build up resentment. Especially when I thought I was in the right.

If we expect an apology we will explain why so she understands. 99% of the time she will say sorry, the 1% she doesn't we respect as her right.

I am unclear from the post what is happening.

Are the meetings a regular part of his schedule, same day same time? Is he forgetting other items on his timetable? Is anyone going through the timetable with him at certain times of the week/day? Is he going to his usual class?

If the meetings are irregular and no one is reminding him on the day then you may be expecting too much of him. Without knowing what is going on it is difficult to know what to advise to help him remember the appointments.

As for saying sorry I would guess the best thing is to sit down and explain it to him. You may need to do this several times before it sinks in. However if you can personalise it it may help. For example how would he feel if you made arrangements to do something with him and then he couldn't do it because you didn't bother to turn up and didn't say sorry or anything to him.

If it is avoidance then your insistance on him saying sorry is empowering his avoidance without tackling the problem. For instance he may object to the meetings and not see their relevance, or he may see it as another way in which he is different to his peers. If he is keen to try and fit in then this may be a huge issue for him. Or it could be something else. However as you are insisting on an apology which he doesn't intend to give you may not be getting to a route cause.

Sorry for the lecture, but as a parent I find there are two issues, with parents and schools conentrating on the opposite one. As parents we understand well the concept of cause and effect. We tend to want to deal with cause. The school is usually, understandably, more concerned with the effect. If a child smashes up a class room school will want to deal with the consequences first, parents will want to know why it happened.

As a result schools often feel parents are trying to dismiss the consequences of the childs behaviour, while parents feel that our children are disadvantaged because schools do not appear interested in what caused the outburst and how this can be managed more effectively without the consequences.

It is important for higher functioning autistic children to learn to cope within society, and teaching them to say sorry when appropriate is important. However it is just as important to explore why when something is recurring like this.

Thanks for replying so fast,George!
I've been struggling with the Senco's demand that I send the pupil to her tomorrow to apologise for missing his half-termly meeting with her.
I mentor him, and felt that this demand was not appropriate for him - you're right, he had no reminder on the day, except in his planner; he has seen that she is cross, but can't understand how a belated apology will make any difference now.
I think that you may also be correct in that the meeting is relevant for her but not for him - I was delegated to help him solve problems with school, so she is out of the equation!
I go through his timetable regularly and he is even coping with extended homework deadlines, which is difficult for him.
I know my son (ASD) cannot understand the relevance of apologies - as you say, if it not meant then it's worthless - and I felt that it would cause resentment with this pupil.
He and I have worked on saying please, thank you and excuse me - I still feel that 'sorry' is a much more complex issue - and an expectation too far?
Emotional description is at the 'happy'/'not happy' level!

You could perhaps set up a meeting where the other person doesn't arrive -maybe the SENCO- to help him understand how it feels....are they coming, bored waiting for them, should you wait longer or go. Then discuss this with him how does he feel, if he feels confused that's ok.You could explain that other people may feel this way too.
As for the apology could he send a handmade card just saying sorry. Next time could the time be highlighted in his planner and someone prompt him on the day. Remind him to check it every morning to see if there is anything he needs to do differently. I would add that we can all be forgetful about meetings and it is very typical of a teenager.

Our daughter attends all the meetings with us and we ensure she has her say, and to respond to particular points if she wants. If there are things to discuss which someone doesn't want her in on then these are discussed after she goes back to class.

We do make it clear it to her that she has the right to be involved in the decision making process, including what support she wants, when and how much. It is her responsibility to make what she wants known, and ours to ensure she is given the chance and to back her choices. If she doesn't take part then she allows others to control her life and gives up the right to moan about it. Over the years she has got more confident and understands why these meetings are important.

A lot depends on his abilities, but in general I would explain that the meeting was for his benefit and to give him a chance to have some say over his own life. To do this people spend time to prepare for the meeting, have to put other important things off and arrange other meetings for after the meeting to ensure what is agreed is implemented. By not turning up people have wasted their time and other things could have been done and so people get upset.

The SENCO knows he was not being naughty or that he had done it deliberately. In this case saying sorry is not an admission of guilt or that he had done something wrong. It is how we admit that we understand by forgetting something we inconvenience (please don't ask me how to explain this one, I struggled through it) someone/people who had spent a lot of time on our behalf and this was wasted by not turning up, but it was not done deliberately.

By not saying sorry he is being disrespectful of the person and the time and effort being put in on his behalf. Do this to someone too often then they will not do things for him. Others will find out and people will think he is unreliable, uncaring and just uses people when it suits him. This is a bad thing as people won't care about him.

That, as I know you appreciate, is the short version. The long version is making sure he understands each part of your argument before moving onto the next so by the end he understands why it is important for him to say sorry.

I'm a little dissapointed with the SENCO as being confrontational will not help him to understand. Worse it sets the child up to fail. I'm the adult, your the child and your going to say this because I said so. If the adult is determined not to back down and the child refuses to say sorry then there must be a consequence for the child. The child is punished when they have not actually done something wrong to warrent it nor has he learned anything. If the meeting is confrontational the child will probably be upset or scared, in which case he will not be taking in what is being said to him.

Sadly it is easy to look at a 13 or 14 year old and forget their emotiona l and social development could be 2/3 or lower then what is normal for that age.

I got a good reminder of that one last weekend. I was watching some programmes we had recorded for her with a friend. She came in about a 1/3 of the way through and wanted us to go back to the first one and watch them all again. I said no so she went to her room and trashed it breaking her chair. Her argument was the programmes were recorded for her and so we should have played them again straight away because she wanted to watch them.

We don't walk on eggshells like many parents or deliberately avoid things to prevent meltdowns, but it did show me how much we have adapted our family life so it is comfortable and safe for her. Our friend was a little concerned for her, and normally I would have been happy to play it again but I doubt our friend would have wanted to watch the same episodes again straight away.

I didn't have a go at her, it was her stuff that she trashed, though she now regrets it as she doesn't have a chair in her room and we have told her we won't be replacing it so she will have to get a new one out of her pocket money. She thinks it was my fault because I was unreasonable I think its her fault because she chose to do it and has to take responsibility for her own actions. Did have to point out to her though if she chose to break my things next time we have the pocketmoney before she gets it and anything which needs replacing will come out of her pocket money before she gets it. If it costs more then her pocketmoney she will have to wait till it was paid up. Great having a daughter who is so motivated by money because of the independance it gives her

My son (AS) will sometimes say eg: "I am sorry I forgot", as that is true/a fact, but would not usually say "I am sorry for upsetting you".

Saying sorry is a skill that needs to be learnt. They need to learn that it makes people feel better, even if they don't understand why (in the same way they learn they should not always say what they think).